Cultural Inadequacies

“I think if he would’ve known how good he was at stuff he didn’t really care about being good at, he — I don’t think he’d have done what he — [did].”

Ted Lasso utters these words to Dr. Sharon in episode 2x10, referencing his father’s choice to commit suicide. Honestly I haven’t been able to stop thinking about them for months because of how they’ve impacted my own thinking about myself.

Ted expresses that his father was a good dad, the kind of man who stayed up all night reading a book his son forgot about so he could help him before an exam. Ted’s point: what if that made his father enough? Why wasn’t being a good dad, a good man, something to be proud of? Enough to keep him alive?

I have a mental illness so both suicidal ideation and uninspired attempts are in my past, but what if I’ve been looking at this thing wrong the whole time?

Living in the United States, a country that’s become primarily individualistic, we tend to measure ourselves by the dollar earning positions we hold and how we personally contribute to the economy. It’s so deeply ingrained, when we meet someone new, after exchanging names and pleasantries, we know the first question tossed out will be “what do you do?” And it’s universally understood this refers to your current job or career.

It’s a habit I’m personally trying to break, often opting for “what’s your deal?” to new people I meet, but inevitably “I’m a [career title]” emerges near the top of the list. Indeed, a career is rarely seen as simply how we make money to cover bills. For better or worse, it’s seen as part of our identities.

I’m almost certain it shouldn’t be.

The Dangers of Loneliness

Ted's words about his father speak counter culturally and remind us that our value as humans do not come from our titles or salaries. It comes from the relationships we have and the impact we make on others. More simply, we each have value because we are human, and no caveat is needed to justify that.

In Ted Lasso 2x04, the “Carol of the Bells” Christmas episode we were blessed with in August, Ted grapples with many of his roles and, by extension, his own worth.

On the Christmas Day he’s supposed to be spending digitally with his son, which I think we all knew was bound to tank in some way, Ted loses his son to the very gift he sent to compensate for his own guilt of not being there physically for the holiday. Richmond had a match the very next day, so he’s unable to travel across the world to be with his son, on what I assume is the first Christmas he’s missed in the boy’s life.

The interesting thing is once the video chat is disconnected, Ted’s left with the gift his son sent him: a miniature magnetic dartboard. Now, we know from season 1, a dartboard was used to demonstrate another principle altogether, namely that we tend to judge people before knowing them. That we’re not curious about them and would prefer to stick them in neat boxes we’ve previously established. Ted hits a bullseye and “saves” a friend, teaching us all a lesson in the process about curiosity and openness.

Reverse Symbolism

This dartboard is very different. Ted can’t hit a bullseye. In fact, he misses the mark entirely, which I think is a perfect metaphor for his mental state. Ted immediately slips into a cycle of guilt and self-loathing, worried he’s missed the mark in the most important areas of his life, as a husband and father. I’m fully aware he’s divorced at this point and I think that plays into this cycle even more. Ted has failed. He failed at being a husband, he’s worried he’s failing at being a father, and he can’t even hit a simple target.

Is this reality, as we see it? Of course not. We see how Ted tries. We know his heart and the way he loves others. We’ve been exposed to the kind of man he is and are aware that just because someone is good doesn’t mean things always work out in their favor.

Ted is fighting against what I like to refer to as “brain gremlins,” the thoughts in your head that sound like your own, but are present only to tear you down. They’re not reality. They’re not even really your rational thoughts. They’re a distorted circular reasoning of negativity that feeds on itself, growing ever louder and more convincing in the process.

We see Ted sinking deeper into that cycle when he’s watching the most devastating scene of It’s a Wonderful Life, a movie that’s been glossed over as a saccharine story of angels getting their wings, while somehow completely ignoring it’s about how George Bailey, a husband and father, literally wished to have never been born because he came to believe he was nothing more than a burden who tainted the lives of those around him. A man who was literally told he might be worth more dead than alive because of an insurance policy.

The Power of Community

What is it that brings both Ted and George out of some incredibly low mental states? Community.

Ted is saved from his mindset by a friend inviting him out to do things for others, to give of himself and his time. Rebecca gave Ted the strength to make a choice beyond drinking and binging a movie that would only reinforce his negative feelings about himself. While he saved her with one dartboard, she saves him from what another one represents.

George is saved when he realizes a successful life isn’t about all you’ve accomplished or getting to do what you want, but what you mean to other people and how you’ve affected them. It’s about the people you love and that love you in return.

Ted Lasso and It’s a Wonderful Life give us something rather unique. These stories provide what I like to think of as the antithesis to tales like A Chrismas Carol. These aren’t stories about terrible men who need to be warned about their behaviors before they end up alone. These are about ordinary men, not perfect of course, but ordinary. Ted Lasso and George Bailey are trying to measure up in a world they don’t think will allow for their shortcomings.

Real Life Consequences

A personal story from my own life. A couple years ago, a family friend’s son commited suicide at 23. He seemed happy, so the people around him were shocked. It later came out that his note indicated he had an insurance policy through his job that he wanted to go to his one year old son. I often wonder if he’d have thought twice when stacking up his internal pros and cons list if he’d known that insurance companies rarely (if ever) pay out on policies in cases of suicide. Now, his son has no extra money and no father. It’s not hard to imagine which one he’ll grow up missing more.

And here’s the cold hard truth: suicide, no matter how much it may seem so at a low point, isn’t a logical thing. It doesn’t make sense and no one can plan it out in such a way that they leave behind something worth more than their presence. Because our value doesn’t come from how much an insurance company will pay out. It comes from our very existence and how we change the lives of those around us.

Even for those of us with mental illness, depression is a symptom, not a way of life. (Now I’m not indicating suicide can be eliminated with casual check-ins. It’s much more complex than that. But giving people room to be human can make a huge difference in this world overall.)

A Lasting Legacy

In this year, the coincidental 75th anniversary of It’s a Wonderful Life, may we remember it's not about circumstances always being good, or wonderful as it were. It’s about the very essence of being alive, given multiple chances to bring good to those around us, and understanding that’s the most precious gift any of us will ever receive.

The power of community extends well beyond any holiday. People are what matter. Ted & George both remind us we need to embrace that every day.

Ted recalls the way his father’s suicide changed his mindset: “I knew right then and there that I was never gonna let anybody get by me without understanding they might be hurting inside, you know. 'Cause life, it's hard. It's real hard.”

He’s right. Life is hard. Everyone’s journey is hard for different reasons, but we’re in this together. We have the power to lighten each other's loads, even if for an afternoon.

So, come out of your internet hidey-hole every now and again to be present with those around you. Change someone’s life by being a good friend or partner. It doesn’t cost a thing and no one is of such little or great importance that they can’t do that. Or that they don’t need that in return.

Cheers,

beep